Why Burnout Symptoms Are Hitting Women So Much Harder Than Men

With the rise of hustle culture and a spotlight recently shining on toxic work environments, stress in the workplace has become a widely discussed issue across the country, as it should be. People are burnt out, and it is heavily affecting their quality of life. But speaking to burnout symptoms in the context of career pressure misses the bigger picture.

While men and women are all reporting higher levels of burnout since the onset of the pandemic, women are disproportionately affected. And mothers in the workforce, as well as stay-at-home moms, are hit the hardest. 

According to the World Health Organization (WHO), burnout is classified strictly as an occupational phenomenon. 

To that I say, the WHO needs to start polling more women. Claiming that burnout is strictly a phenomenon ignited by career pressure tells me they are focusing their research (as is often the case) on men. 

Women know better.

Our burnout symptoms span the entire landscape of our lives.

We are tasked not only with excelling professionally but also with taking care of our homes, our children, our spouses, our social commitments, and somehow also, ourselves.

There are no systems in place for women to pull off this feat of widespread perfection. And THAT is what we need to talk about. It isn’t a question of WHY it’s built this way (patriarchal standards) but how do we opt out? 

With most things in life, awareness is half the battle. Once we become truly aware of the juggling act we unwittingly took on and how poorly supported we are to successfully keep everything in the air, it’s impossible to unsee it. Then we can start to dig deep within ourselves to see what it is that drives us to carry on the act.

Why did we agree to carry the enormous weight of societal pressures on women and to what end? What are the subconscious drivers that led us to co-sign this arrangement? And how do we begin the journey to addressing what we find? Whether it’s overcoming perfectionism or a deep-seated desire to feel needed at all costs, it’s time to put ourselves back in the center of our own lives. 

Bringing Your Burnout Symptoms Into Full View

As of 2019, burnout was written into the 11th Revision of the International Classification of Diseases. Not as a medical condition, but as a “syndrome conceptualized by chronic workplace stress that has not been managed successfully.” Okay, how does that read to you? 

What I hear is that the origin of this phenomenon is NOT the unhealthy expectations and conditions handed down by employers, but rather, your inability to “manage” the stress they cause. 

In other words — The. Onus. Is. On. You.

That same organization also states, “Burn-out refers specifically to phenomena in the occupational context and should not be applied to describe experiences in other areas of life.”

I don’t know about you but I see women everywhere experiencing symptoms of burnout, not solely as a result of demanding careers, but as a sum total of the responsibilities that fall on their shoulders.

But even if we stayed within this very narrow lens of what burnout is and how it comes to be, let’s talk about the second shift. As working women, and particularly working mothers, we all know that our work doesn’t end when we leave the office or log out of our last Zoom meeting. 

Upon returning home (which, for those of us who work from home, means walking into the other room… allowing for essentially zero separation between our first shift and our second), there is another job to do. We go from income-earning labor to unpaid labor in the form of household work and caregiving, which disproportionately falls on the shoulders of women, even when both partners work full-time jobs. 

Shockingly, it has now been shown that the division of household labor is additionally disparate in families where women out-earn their husbands. A recent study concluded that women who are high earners tend to overcompensate for their non-traditional roles in the family, by taking on increased childcare and household responsibilities.

Anyone who doesn’t qualify this second shift as work, simply because it doesn’t draw a paycheck, is more than likely, well – not a woman.

The symptoms of burnout are:

• Feelings of exhaustion or energy depletion

• Negativity, cynicism, or increased disconnection from one’s job

• Reduced efficacy

How many of you feel some or all of these symptoms both at work and then again at home? It’s no wonder you feel depleted and disconnected from the work you’re doing and who you are.

Succumbing to the Societal Pressures on Women

As women continue striving to do it all, as is expected, societal support has not kept up with helping us actually pull it off. We’re supposed to balance work and home life without the structure in place to allow us to do so. We lack affordable childcare, paid maternity leave, flexible work schedules, and equal division of household labor. 

So we do what we think we have to do to make it all happen. Work harder, sleep less, miss meals, stave off anxiety, and dress to impress so that everybody else thinks we’ve got it together. 

But let’s look at what’s beneath the facade we so carefully hold in place at our own detriment. 

The way I see it, the mass burnout we are experiencing is a combination of societal pressures on women and the way we’ve been conditioned to take care of everyone and everything over ourselves. 

Somewhere along the line, we bought into the idea that we should be able to do it all with little to no help. So much of our value has become tied up in our ability to perform. To be in all places at all times. And it is to our own detriment that we continue to spread ourselves entirely too thin trying to meet expectations that are quite literally impossible to meet. 

“Burnout is the experience of feeling overwhelmed and exhausted by everything you have to do, and yet somehow still worried that you’re not doing enough.”

- Amelia Nagoski

Drs. Emily and Amelia Nagoski, co-authors of the brilliant book, Burnout have stepped forward in a powerful way to teach us about the stress cycle that characterizes burnout and the exhaustion that accompanies it. 

Their engaging and insightful TedX interview provides evidence-based tools to help you complete the stress cycle rather than getting stuck inside of it. They also make it explicitly clear that self-care is not the answer.

Cultivating curiosity and self-compassion as you learn to first become aware of your own burnout symptoms, will serve you well as you practice moving through the stress that results. 

It will also be helpful while excavating what’s at the root of why you might be taking on far more than your fair share of the responsibilities at home, at work, and in your relationships.

Overcoming Perfectionism and Accepting Help

What is the price you pay for keeping everything afloat all by yourself? In terms of your mental health and general enjoyment of the life you’ve built — is what you’re giving and what you’re receiving even slightly balanced?

The reality is, as women, we often internalize the judgment and expectations that are placed upon us. Society, family, or maybe even religious traditions, tell you who you have to be in order to be worthy, and you then project that belief onto yourself. Suddenly, it’s not only necessary for you to maintain this impossible juggling act, but to do it perfectly.

And I think that right there is where we need to pull the e-brake and bring this runaway train to a grinding halt and consider something different.

What if we approach the obligations we carry without the requirement that we do it all perfectly? 

What if we learn to say no without feeling shame and guilt? 

Striving for perfection is an attempt to control what other people think about us. I’m going to suggest that you relinquish control of other people’s perceptions of you and focus on how you view yourself as the imperfectly perfect woman that you are. 

Be relentlessly committed to honoring your own capacity and inherent value — regardless of the outcome of your efforts. 

When I started actively observing my own tendencies to spread myself painfully thin, I became acutely aware of how hard it was to accept help from other people. When I took a good look at why I was trying to do it all myself, what I saw was my own desire to be needed by the people in my life. 

I think this is something that we have been conditioned to believe. That when other people are constantly depending on us, it proves that we are valued, needed, and loved. 

As I take steps toward breaking my deeply ingrained patterns of sacrificing myself to uphold the life I’ve built, I’ve started to reorient my view of my own value. If I don’t show up for myself in a meaningful way, it is harder and harder to show up for those that mean the most to me. 

I invite you to do the same work. Can we push back against the idea that our accomplishments are proof of our worth, set aside the societal pressures placed upon us, and — little by little — chip away at the burnout symptoms that are taking over our lives? 

Because I know one thing for sure — society isn’t going to grant us a reprieve. We have to take it. And it’s by saying no. By refusing to continue to play the impossible role of everything to everyone, the expectations will start to shift. But it starts with us opting out.