5 Love Languages and The Platinum Rule – Loving Your Partner the Way They Want to Be Loved
We all know the hallmarks of a healthy, loving relationship. Trust, honesty, mutual respect, open communication, and the ability to share support, decision-making, and responsibilities, to name a few.
The longer you spend with your partner, the better you understand their inner workings. Who they really are, what lights them up, what scares them to high hell, and in general, how they tick.
When we’re young, we learn the basics of how to treat others in any kind of relationship by way of simple constructs like The Golden Rule. As we grow into adulthood, the constructs become more complex and sophisticated. Our relationships, particularly intimate ones, require us to show up in more skilled ways. We’ll talk about my Platinum Rule as a way to achieve that.
There are plenty of resources available to guide us in becoming more conscious partners. Books like The Five Love Languages give people the ability to understand more deeply the different ways that people give and receive love.
As relationships grow, love requires us to consider our partner’s preferences — not only as a way to understand them — but as a way to understand how we can best love them, too.
“Love is a verb, not a noun. It is active” —Susan Forward, Ph.D
Love is a Verb – What does that mean?
I think we can all agree that being in love is probably the best feeling there is. The initial phases of a relationship can sometimes be a whirlwind of both positive and confronting emotions.
But strong relationships are much more than the sensations love evokes. Relationships thrive when both partners take intentional action to love the other person. So what does it mean when people say love is a verb? It means that the butterflies in your stomach will eventually settle. And then it requires intention to remain engaged in an active experience of being present with, and demonstrating care for your partner, while receiving the care they offer in return.
In other words, you have to make an effort to love your partner the way they want to be loved, rather than the way you think love should be. As you become more attuned to your partner’s needs, you become better equipped to do exactly that. But it takes practice and commitment to separate the way you like to be loved from the way they like to be loved and take action accordingly.
The Love Languages
Gary Chapman wrote The Five Love Languages in the 1990s. It may not be everyone’s cup of tea due to its conservative undertones. But it’s a good jumping-off point for understanding the varied ways that people experience love in relationships.
Love doesn’t fit into one mold. There are different ways that people feel seen, heard, and appreciated by their partners. Knowing these five general categories can be helpful in understanding the way that you respond to your partner's expression of love. They can also spark inspiration for how you can make choices and take meaningful action to love your partner the way they want to be loved.
1. Physical Touch
If you feel most loved when your partner makes consistent and meaningful physical contact, this is your primary love language. Holding hands, hugging, kissing and sex are important ways that you know that you are loved by your partner.
2. Acts of Service
You feel loved when your partner is good at anticipating your needs and takes the initiative to do things that lighten your load. Whether it’s making you coffee every morning, folding the laundry, or taking your car for oil changes, these acts of service are the way that you feel most loved and supported.
3. Receiving Gifts
If you’re someone whose love language is receiving gifts, you genuinely believe, “it’s the thought that counts”. The time your partner takes to think of, and purchase (or make) items they think you’ll love makes you feel special. Something as simple as the perfect card can go a long way for these folks.
4. Words of Affirmation
This love language is obviously very verbal. You like to hear your partner say I love you and affirm their commitment, admiration, and enjoyment in the relationship. Compliments from your partner mean a lot to you.
5. Quality Time
If your love language is quality time, you feel loved by your partner when they prioritize spending focused, devoted time with you. Having interesting conversations, going on adventures together, or putting away your phones to enjoy a home-cooked dinner are ways to pour into someone whose love language is quality time.
The Golden Rule Turned Up A Notch
It’s helpful to know your own love language and your partner’s, but it shouldn’t stop there. Once you understand how your partner prefers to be loved, then it’s time to take action toward showing love in that particular way.
We’re all familiar with The Golden Rule. It’s what many of us were taught as children when our parents wanted us to understand the importance of being good to others.
The Golden Rule states that you should treat others the way you want to be treated.
This worked when we were kids. But as adults, we can do a lot better than that.
The Platinum Rule is a concept I’ve come up with to build on this elementary concept as it relates to intimate relationships. The premise is:
Love your partner in the way they want to be loved rather than in the way you learned how to love.
The way we learn to love a partner is often heavily influenced by the love we experienced when we were young. Often the primary driver of how we negotiate our position in intimate relationships is to get our needs met. There’s nothing wrong with that. It’s human instinct to seek love, belonging, validation, and security from an intimate partner.
But as we become more conscious partners, we shift the way we express our love to meet our partner’s needs rather than our own. When you can show up in this way, it opens a richness and depth in your relationship that is incredibly fulfilling for both partners.
It’s quite likely that you and your partner have a different love language. And that’s perfectly fine. That’s where The Platinum Rule comes in. When their love language is different than yours, you get to practice new ways of modifying your instinctive tendencies to accommodate your partner's preferences. Get creative here and try different approaches. Particularly when both partners are committed to intentionally experiencing the relationship, you can explore this concept together.
Your ability to communicate to one another how you each want to be loved will give you both the opportunity to show up and love each other in the most nourishing way. Knowing your partner's fears, motivations, and intrinsic needs allows you to meet them exactly where they’re at and give them the love that will meet their deepest needs.
